The power of the heart over the mind is something I am getting better at understanding. Too often I put what I feel over what I know is right for me and usually after a long and painful road, recognise that perhaps I have taken a wrong turn.
I recently walked away from a man I met a year ago. When we met, he ticked all my boxes. He’s sweet and smart; handsome and loads of fun. He was incredibly wealthy and was at a place in his life where his 9 to 5 no longer mattered to him. He made me feel like a princess and I felt like he was reading from a script I had crafted in my dreams. In the beginning, we would talk into the hours about anything from travel to how we would re-write endings of terrible movies to save the movie from total decimation from the critics. We would share intimate moments late into the night and I always left the door open for the possibilities that maybe this would turn into something more.
As time went by, I began making excuses as to why we didn’t have a conventional relationship. I knew all about his divorce and how his three sons took first place. Their lives would always come first, from drop-offs and pick-ups to just hanging out, our two worlds were never to collide. I never once felt resentful and continued to make excuses for him. He never made me any promises and thus, never broke any. He never led me to believe that there was a definite relationship on the cards, merely that he had an overwhelming attraction to me and enjoyed my friendship in his life. In fact, he was quite insistent, that we were indeed, NOT a couple.
With no real commitment I began to try to date other men, but in my heart I knew that I was self-sabotaging because I knew that this man and I could be happy if only he let himself.
We continued to be in contact and I tried so desperately to show him how strong our connection was and that if he let himself open his heart to the idea of US, he’d see what I have seen all along, that what we had was magical. And at every attempt, I ended up making excuses for him.
Today, I’m changing my path. And I am choosing myself. I want to be happy within myself and with whomever I choose to be with. I don’t want to make any more excuses.
I respect myself too much.